It is always easy to look back at the months and years and tell myself: “Look! You have come so far, well done!”

But I remembered the days when all I felt was lost and hopelessness; when I thought that I couldn’t go any lower and I did; when I went through the many triggers and anxieties, the feelings of impending doom. These days I stop expecting and hoping good things to happen until they really do. A subconscious self defence against disappointments.

So I just want to be grateful: for being alive and healthy, for a supportive husband, for friends who are always there, for a stable income, for the ability to seek help…

As pessimistic as I am, I know while many things don’t fall into place, many others do.

I thought 2006 was a bad year when I didn’t do well for my A levels.

Looking back, that was truly just a blip in my lifetime.

Cause 2016 was even worse, then a part of me died in 2017.

I’m tired of stumbling and falling… Can someone point me in the right direction?

I had a sudden thought to do a small tattoo

On my left inner bicep, close to where the lymph nodes are

A bouquet of August and September birth flowers

A remembrance of sorts

Just a sudden random thought.

I want to acknowledge and accept that I’m a pessimist 

I’m not that positive persona that I’ve been trying to be all my life

Pessimism is my blanket of security

Zero expectation = Zero disappointment 

But I agree that I should not let pessimism be the way of my life

I need to allow some optimism in

Or I will forever be expecting bad things to happen

The irony? Based on real life experience, all the bad things that I expected rarely happens.

More often than not, it is really just me and my head. 😂

We went out for a date today. 😊

Checked off Tiong Bahru Bakery at Fort Canning - such a pretty place and the croissants were so gooooooood.

Then it was DKK and Daiso, and putting more things into the list of what we need for our home. Can we just skip to the good part? 😌

A trip to Huawei store at 313 Somerset to check out the ongoing service carnival turned out to be unnecessary but I got to try the Huawei P50 pocket which is damn chio. I definitely do not need it but who doesn’t like pretty things?

As much as the tech is better now, I still have a thing for the clamshell phones of the past.

I need a healthier way to vent my frustrations.

Or maybe a better way to express my emotions.

I’m sorry 🥲

Today was your birthday.

You would have turned 57. 

No words can describe how much I missed you.

Currently feeling annoyed because the last meeting gave more frustrations than clarity and it ended late so I’m still on my way home.

Quiet quitting: doing the bare minimum at work because quitting is not an option.

Actually what’s wrong with doing the bare minimum if you are doing what you need to do? Something is seriously wrong if you need to be working till late, ‘hustling’, every day.

I’m just living by the hour at work now. I mean I’m just one person, I can’t possibly do everything in the limited time that I have. 😔

We went for a test drive in a Tesla Model 3 today!

Albert was happy like a kid, and we even reached the Toa Payoh branch 40 minutes before the appointment. 😂

Honestly, I would have tell him to just buy one because “one life, live it” and we agreed that the long run costs are manageable. But in reality, it is really just too expensive with the COE. We need a big win in the lottery to make it work. 😅

I’m actually inspired to take my driver license lessons and tests recently. Especially when I’m going to move next year and am actually close to the driving centre now. Just a tiny bit afraid of the school’s instructors due to the many horror stories I hear, but gonna do what I need to do. 🤞🏽

Spent the day working. And the motivation is an off-in-lieu that I get to claim. 

Sometimes we just need a little something to keep going.

Albert brought Bailey for her annual vaccination today. She is 4.05 kg now, not-yet-a-chonk. 😂

She was hissing at the vet though and she rarely does that. The last time I hear her hissed was maybe the last vet visit, also a female vet. Either she prefers men over women cause she has been hissing at female vets but ok with male ones. Or maybe its a scent? Today’s vet said that maybe she smell of fear and should change out of her scrubs cause she has been hissed by cats all morning. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, as long as she is healthy, Bailey can be as sassy as she wants. 

We do what we can with what we have.

Do I feel inadequate? Yes

Do I doubt myself? Yes

Do I overthink and over-worry? Hell yes. I have been worrying about next week since two weeks ago. Why? Cause of a single work event that I’m still not so sure of. 

But I know I have a good support system. 

And every new day brings new possibilities.

It’s just my brain, she can’t stop (T T)

Albert and I have fallen into a routine of ‘if I have to do OT, he will drop by my place to cat sit’. Really thankful that he is okay with doing this and his current work arrangements allow him to do so as well. It really made me feel so much better at work because I won’t be anxious about leaving Bailey at home for the entire day.

This is also another reason that we are looking forward to our own place. So that Albert didn’t need to leave when I get back. That I’m coming home to the both of them. 

And I could be petty to say this but I think Bailey likes Albert more than me. Like she would bite me for attention but all she did to him is a few meow meow. That ingrate. 😒

Notable quote by me today: “the thing is sometimes jump in already then realise how deep it is”

A door closed today but I’m sure a window has opened. I shall remain hopeful for good things to come. Would be nice for a break to come up soon too 🙏🏽

To be honest, I’m a little fearful of starting all over again. There’s too many failures in the last 2 years and I’m scarred. 

But I should not let fear take control of my life. 😐

And to acknowledge that some things are beyond my control and I can only manage what I can; like mindset, thinking (more positively). Also, it is okay to fail.

On a better note, we submitted our resale application yesterday and the seller did theirs today! One step closer to our home. 😁

Happy birthday 老公! 🥳 

祝你身体健康，天天开心，老婆开心，国泰民安 😂

It was a simple day; we checked off brunch at Steeple’s Deli - their Cuban and Reuben sandwiches are so so goooood, caught a movie, Love Destiny The Movie - great storyline and humour that lasted the entire 2h 40min, and end of with an early dinner at Jollibee before heading home. 

Today is also exactly our 3rd month of being married. Honestly, nothing felt different and everything feels the same. Staying apart really made it truly status quo as well.

Can’t wait for next year to come; when we can be homebodies and having celebrations in our own home. 

Our weekends have been filled with window-shoppings for the house - furnitures, appliances, tiles, etc. And us trying to imagine how everything will look like when put together. 😆

Also happy to note that Bailey’s been getting used with the current routine and can be left at home for a longer period of time. We have also allowed her to roam the house freely under supervision.

Guess the next headache will come when we move to a new environment. 😌

I was packing my first aid kit when I realised that I’ve 2 bottles of sodium chloride solution expiring in October. Told Albert about them and the discussion escalated quickly from using them as seasoning to food - cause salt solution 😂 - to mama, because I used to buy many of this to clean her wound daily…

I still remembered vividly the day that her tumour perforated. I just got home and she was coming out from her room and I saw blood stains on her t-shirt. We rushed to the A&E and it became a ‘rush to wait’. It was awful. The aircon was too cold, jackets were never thick enough, and we had to sit and wait for hours. I can’t recall how many hours but could be 6, could be more. When she finally got a bed and was properly looked at, there were nothing much they can do. It was an open wound that they cannot close and it won’t close on its own too. Surgery was out of the picture. The only thing left was to make sure that the wound was clean and not further infected.

It was also the first time I understand the term ‘consumables’ and that they are not covered by insurance. And the costs do add up. I remembered having to buy sodium chloride solution, alcohol pads, bandage tapes, gauze, blue hospital pads, etc, frequently. There was a time when I found that they sell basic dressing kits which I bought in bulk. There were also meal replacements that I have to coax/force her to take when her appetite got so small and her weight fell too much.

There were also frustrations. So much of them. I was juggling work, caregiving and in a relationship with a person more immature than my brothers. I had to be home every day for the wound dressing. I didn’t ask my brothers because it was a breast tumour. My dad refused to learn and help out. My dad simply nagging at her all day everyday, that even i felt frustrated.

Everything was on my shoulders. There were so much to bear and I didn’t had a choice, I had no one else to ask…

Well, that was quite a trip down the memory lane. It felt good to tell Albert about it, to have typed it out. This could be the start of letting go. 

I was managing a media interview by Frontline (Channel 8) yesterday when the producer started lamenting about not being able to get Singaporeans to agree to quick interviews on the street. The second criteria of Singaporeans who can speak fluent Mandarin made it even tougher.

So guess who did a street interview with them in Mandarin? 😅

It was a fun experience, putting my bilingualism to test.  The producer was happy with my answers (had to use some English terms here and there as the brain couldn’t think fast enough on the spot) and I wonder if it could be that the benchmark is too low. 😂

Also a reminder that it’s been a while since I pick up a Chinese book to read. A trip to the library soon is needed.

yes-man

/ˈjɛsman/ 

noun

INFORMAL

a weak person who always agrees with their political leader or their superior at work.

Albert told me a boiled frog analogy/theory. He is probably right. Those who are in it too deep won’t see the red flags. I am the frog that’s jumping into the boiling water. Of course I am suffering from the red flags.

I know I have anxiety issues for a while now but damn this really hit home.