My favourite part of NDP has always been the parade, partly due to my uniformed group background. The performances after the parade never appeal to me as I was never able to link them back to National Day.

However, I was glued to this year’s performances because of the seamless storyline from the start of the parade to the very end. Some parts were a little cliche but beyond the bright lights and colours, true emotional stories were told. Adrian Pang really nailed it as the creative director of NDP 2022.

Happy birthday Singapore. As much as I will like to see more of the world, there’s no place more like home than you.

Coughed uncontrollably till I had gastric reflux in the train today. On the bright side, everyone had their masks on and no one was shunning me. 

I actually do enjoy wearing mask and hiding my true expressions from everyone else.

We exercised our option to purchase today!

Now the 6-months countdown begins :)

 “Here we are, lost like penguin in a forest.”

Above quote was inspired by a conversation about why we do not know what we want to do in our career and a video of a penguin walking in land to its definite death. Somehow penguins have the tendency to go crazy too.

Some days it seemed like we are just walking towards death without clear directions.

On top of that, we have social media who likes to show us just how well everyone else is doing. Icing on the cake.

I am feeling much more alive today albeit the stuffy nose and phlegmy throat/cough. At least the appetite for food is back, not that I can taste much with the blocked nose. I didn’t think that I lose my sense of taste or smell though.

On another note, none of the common symptoms feel normal. The sore throat is weird, the stuffy nose is weird, even the often dry and unproductive cough is weird. The fatigue and tiredness is unreal.

I really wonder what damage has been done to my lungs (and other organs).

I am beyond upset at how sick people are being handled.

This can’t be right but why does it seemed like I am the only one feeling so.

C+

Guess I ran out of luck and immunity after 2 years 🥹

My symptoms were gradually becoming worse in the last few days and I was in denial that it could just be a common flu.

And the fatigue is real. How is it that I keep drifting off to sleep?

Albert and I went for our first MPS to resolve the housing grant issue that I am facing with HDB. We didn’t know what to expect but fortunately we arrived relatively early for the registration. We were 4th in the line and the entire process from registration to end took us nearly 2 hours.

Honestly heartened that I can rely on the husband to take the lead in this matter. He was nervous, much to my amusement, and narrated the entire event to the volunteer and MP as though he was the first person. As for me, I knew that we have all the evidence to fight for this so it was really just getting a higher level help to get us there. Glad that my MP agreed that we have a case and he will help with the appeal. 

Now we keep all our fingers and toes crossed for good news in the next few weeks.

My throat felt weird when Bailey woke me up this morning, prompting me to dry-swallow anti-inflammation medicines at 5 am, and do an ART at 8 am - negative.

On one hand, I want to be a C+ and just get it over and done with. On the other hand... ain't I supposed to be immune or something?! I mean I have come so far 😂

Then again, nearly half of my team is down with Covid and we have all been working closely in the last couple of weeks for a big event. This variant seemed to be strong this time. But I don't really have the luxury of time to be sick now.

The throat is starting to hurt. Damn it.

Let's hope I wouldn't get new symptoms tomorrow.

Will there ever be a good time to fall sick?

I finally received the results of my last module - Introduction to CBT; a Distinction to add to the 3 other High Distinctions. I think I am somewhat good at studying.

Introduction to Counselling, Psychotherapy and Coaching: HD
Introduction to Positive Psychology: HD
Psychotherapy Practice and Ethics: no exam
Applications of Psychology: HD
Introduction to CBT: D

And this concluded my short "back-to-school" stint.

To be honest, working and studying at the same time was giving me anxiety which is an irony because the course is... Professional Diploma in Psychotherapy. 

There's just too much work and too little time for me to do all the extra readings on psychology theories which are actually pretty interesting. I also realised that not only is the teaching style of the lecturer important to me, but also the class format i.e. physical or virtual. Virtual / hybrid is definitely not for me. I simply cannot engage as well online and it was even worse when the lecturer was simply reading off the slides. Furthermore, there are classmates whom I have never met but have to do a group project together, and they preferred to do so virtually. Help la.

But for all the stressful days, I did gain knowledge that allowed me to reflect and know myself a little better than before. I am starting to understand why I react the way I do and what likely causes those reactions. It is the start of becoming a better me.

Unfortunately, I can never be my own therapist.

5 years ago and for the next 4 years, on this day, I took leave from work to grieve.
But this year I didn't. I am not sure why, I just didn't.

Not that I've stopped grieving, I can't even imagine that happening.
5 years seemed like a long time but it really didn't make the pain any lesser, and I doubt any amount of time will ever be long enough.

I now have the ability to cry on demand whenever I think of you. It could even be a passing thought. Thank god for mandatory mask-on in public these days because I could let the tears flow.
I also have the ability to dream of you when thoughts in the day were intense enough. These dreams are so precious because every dream felt so real, like a parallel universe where you are well and alive - the most recent one being you cooking a meal for me and that was truly the one thing that I would give up everything to have it happen again.

Hey mama, I miss you,

5 years ago,

5 years later,

And for the many 5 years to come.

I've so much that I want to tell you every single day. But I can't, not anymore. So I decided to revive this blog to get them off my chest, especially on the bad days. I hope typing them out will provide me with some relief.

On another note, in hindsight, having work to distract me the entire day, including an 8.30 pm virtual work call was much needed because it leaves me little time to think and brood.